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Metamorphasis

#1 User is online   SoundMindHZ Icon

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Posted 27 October 2017 - 06:05 PM

For a long time, I have gone though many hardships with short lived happiness. Now as a cosmetologist I have finally found something I desire for once, but it is not providing the happiness I sought, nor the needs I was promised it would meet. I have become what seems like depression, I have been depressed before. Each time ended in a hospital bed hoping for death. This is different. I don't care about even that. Dreams and emotions have become more intense and vivid. I've had what most would call hallucinations and delusions just like my diagnosis says. I don't feel sad, mad, happy or much of anything. But when I do, the feelings are more intense yet, short lived. I have diagnosis of STPD. That is the reality of situation. But am I to assume I have finally gone mad and hit rock bottom or is this clarity something else? I seem to be alone in this matter, and have no one who understands what I'm going through who I can ask. I can be called ill but it does not seem that way nor do I find it as a displeasure rather I feel free if anything at all. Is that an illness? I've heard of ego death but is this that? Does anybody know anything, have any experience or willing to provide wisdom? I am lost for once, I had my sorrow to keep me moving before and my goals to attain happiness but now it seems so meaningless. The only thing that causes me turmoil right now is lack of being able to understand this. I lack the skill or wisdom to say it's nirvana or I need to take anti psychotics.
There is sacredness in the mundane, the ordinary.-SMHZ
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#2 User is offline   Victoria Icon

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Posted 07 November 2017 - 07:58 AM

View PostSoundMindHZ, on 27 October 2017 - 06:05 PM, said:

I lack the skill or wisdom to say it's nirvana or I need to take anti psychotics.


I am sorry I didn't see this sooner.

Angel is right -- speak to a therapist or doctor first.

You are a brave young person ... facing our emotions is a challenge. And you are right too ... it is about metamorphosis: a HUGE change. Don't try to control it -- jump in and let it take you where it will.

I love the idea of you working for film or television with your cosmetology skills.

Sending you hope and joy.
:wub:
You must trust yourself even when the world doubts you.

Sri Chinmoy

"I believe in your reality as much as I believe in my own." Chamuel


Slow down!
Rushing won't get you there any quicker.


I think, therefore... I create my own reality.

Blessed are those who look after the animals, for theirs is the kingdom of love...
"Not to hurt our humble brethren (the animals) is our first duty to them, but to stop there is not enough. We have a higher mission -- to be of service to them whenever they require it. If you have men who will exclude any of God's creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow men."

Saint Francis of Assisi


PLEASE CLICK HERE TO FEED THE ANIMALS -- ALL IT COSTS IS A CLICK.
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#3 User is offline   Posibilities Icon

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Posted 11 November 2017 - 06:35 AM

Also thought of you SMHZ! Hope you are travelling well!
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#4 User is online   SoundMindHZ Icon

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Posted 20 November 2017 - 03:10 PM

I'm back. Never really got the chance to see a therapist and my symptoms have stabilized for now. I've been taking to mantra recitation and "trataka" to quite literally protect my mind and studying eastern styles of mysticism. I have not quite made it to holly wood make up in my career. Lol but I have come to a very stable, comfortable salon to work and the pay is good. It's got a bad reputation the new manager and I are working on restoring it, but with this team of stylists I can actively express my needs and personal life, even my disorder. My talents as a seer and healer have also been recognized to a degree and become much stronger. Going to have "Thanksgiving" with my Manager and a coworker and my adopted father is coming to town. Much darker emotions regarding family have been surfacing, beginning to admit a strong dislike for my family as a whole. In the past I would have said hate, but I can't keep rejecting my lot in life. Great people never have it easy I suppose. but then the same can be said not all great people are good people. Even further good and bad are irrelevant, people are people. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts.
There is sacredness in the mundane, the ordinary.-SMHZ
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#5 User is offline   Posibilities Icon

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Posted 20 November 2017 - 07:01 PM

Nice to see you popping in!
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